Premium rate Government lines must also offer sex chat

The Cabinet Office has announced that high cost phone lines which have overcharged victims of crime, widows and students are highly inappropriate, unless accompanied with some sort of verbal porn, preferably from the Ministers and heads of department themselves. David Cameron said yesterday that entirely free phone lines should be considered when callers are likely to […]

“Speak English or lose benefits” Iain Duncan Smith tells Geordies

People from the Newcastle area are going to have to adopt a Southern English dialect or risk losing benefits according to Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith. “I’ve had another epiphany. I was busy imposing tough new language tests for migrants and then I realised that half the country don’t speak English properly. Mainly […]

Cigarettes to have invisible packaging

Cigarettes are to start using invisible packaging as part of a series of new measures to discourage smokers. Secretary of State for Health,  Member of Parliament for South West Surrey, and supporter of homeopathic woo, Jeremy Hunt said “If people can’t find their cigarettes then they’re less likely to smoke. The only slight flaw is that […]

New Conservative policies to be accompanied by evil laughs

David Cameron has told grass roots conservative supporters that he has listened to their views and is now prepared to act on them. From now on, he told party members this morning, there would be no more hard nosed fiscal policies given with a straight face under the vague guise of compassion, and it would […]

Conservatives declare war on themselves

Prime Minister David Cameron has declared war on himself and advised that all other Conservative Party members do the same. Speaking at a press conference this morning the beleaguered Premier explained  “We want a war. Labour did it. And we’re supposed to be the war party. And if Parliament won’t allow us to invade anywhere else […]

MPs having a wank in a big pile of cash

MPs will soon be earning enough to be able to have a wank in a big pile of cash according to a new report announced today by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority. In a move that will prove popular with proponents of unequal distribution of public funds and vigorous masturbation alike, a spokesman for the […]

MPs in ‘Cash for flatulence’ shocker

MPs are taking monetary payments in order to break wind in parliament on request from lobbyists according to new information released this morning. The practice has come to light after undercover reporters from TVs Panoranorama posed as lobbyists representing a group of businesses with interests in anal emissions. Conservative MP Mr Patrick Mercer was approached […]

David Cameron “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick”

Prime Minister David Cameron has said the coalition will continue ‘right up until polling day’ in 2015 and has issued a stark message to party dissenters and the British public alike “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick.” “We’ve had some disagreements within the the coalition and even within the party but […]

Legalising gay marriage will ‘awake the kraken’ warn Conservative activists

Plans to legalise same-sex marriage in England and Wales return to the Commons later, amid continuing opposition from some Conservative activists and MPs who have argued that the proposed legislation is ‘flawed, unconservative and divisive’ and more importantly will awake the Kraken. The Marriage Bill was approved by a 225-vote majority when it was last […]

Plot revealed to oust David Cameron’s successor

In a week that has seen David Cameron not only accidentally invited to a meeting to choose his successor but actually nominated to take over from himself as Party Leader,  moves  are apparently afoot amongst grass roots conservatives to get rid of David Cameron’s replacement as soon as he or she replaces David Cameron. One […]