MPs having a wank in a big pile of cash

MPs will soon be earning enough to be able to have a wank in a big pile of cash according to a new report announced today by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority.

In a move that will prove popular with proponents of unequal distribution of public funds and vigorous masturbation alike, a spokesman for the authority told us:

“Many MPs actually take a drop in wages in order to become  public servants.  Someone who has tirelessly worked for the good of their constituency should quite rightly expect sufficient  remuneration to make a 4 to 6 foot pile of low denomination bank notes that they can then sit on and have a bit of a fiddle. If we don’t do this it will result in parliament being filled with rich politicians who will simply bring their own piles of cash in to sit on when they want a bit of DIY.”

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has urged the Parliamentary Standards Authority to reassess exactly how much each MP needs to comfortably sit on and play underpants billiards.  “Personally I am quite happy to knock one out on a relatively modest pile of legal tender. It is for that reason that I will be refusing to take any future pay rises. And by refusing I mean very nearly refusing.”

Labour Leader Eddie Miliband has also echoed similar sentiments. “It’s not just wages, we also need to look at party funding.  We are already sending back  all the cash sent to us by UNITE to sit on and have a J Arthur. It must be up to the individual to choose to fund our fiscal self sexing.”

We phoned a number of MEPs to ask their views on the matter but were told they were all otherwise engaged in “important matters” . In a big pile of Euros.