Paul Flowers “I’ll take less drugs and learn to do sums”

paul flowers2Former Cooperative bank chairman Paul Flowers has assured members of the public that should he end up in charge of a bank again he will take far less drugs and learn to do sums. “I think the best thing is to learn from your mistakes. I’ve lost my job as a priest, a local Government Labour Councillor and as Chairman of a bank. But if they gave me these jobs before, they’ll be falling over themselves to give me another if I learn to add up and stop doing quite so much crack.”

The promise comes as the entire workforce of the Co-op have tendered their resignations over this affair.

One such employee Tracey Garlic who until today worked in the Princes Risborough store told us “I’ve always enjoyed selling Mayfair Smooth, lucky dipper scratch cards and slightly disappointing food to the public, but now I can’t work there with a clear conscience knowing that I’m subsidising our ill fated financial services. I’m not coming back to work until they rename it the  Druggie Porny Bank of Rent Boy.”

A spokesman for the FSA has said that Mr Flowers will have to show evidence to support his promises if he is ever going to be granted permission to chair a high street bank again. “We’ll be expecting him to demonstrate that he can drive a posh car around town without mounting the kerb. And he’ll need to be able to do his times tables. Without a calculator.”

Current chairman of Co-op bank, Bez out of the Happy Mondays, was unavailable for comment.

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