Scientists hail miracle “Eat less Poo more” diet

 

eat less poo more2

British scientists have hailed the arrival of a new diet that if followed correctly has a 100% success rate for losing weight and could completely eradicate the UK’s obesity crisis.

Dubbed the “Eat less, Poo more” diet as it involves a combination of eating less food and passing more stools, it is already popular with shallow women who want to look emaciated in a bikini. But it’s not just for celebrities. The new report states:

“The eat less, poo more treatment is provided by qualified clinicians who gain their qualifications by buying a certificate for £10. This may seem like a lot of money but once you are qualified you are then entitled to shout “Eat Less Poo More!” at anyone who appears to be overweight, who will then in turn be required to give you £10. And so they should. You have solved their obesity problem.”

Whilst on the surface a flawless set up, one newly qualified clinician told us that spreading the eat less poo more message wasn’t always plain sailing “Sadly we’ve already heard of ungrateful heavily boned people actually refusing to pay £10 to an official eat less poo more agent who has told them to eat less and poo more. Obviously we will be seeking legal advice but it is clear that these fatties are going to have to get with the program.”

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has offered his full support to the program and welcomed any savings to the public purse that it might bring. Addressing a press conference he told us “Fat people getting stuck in revolving doors costs the tax payer a million pounds alone. So these people need to ask themselves ‘Do I really need a filling in this sandwich?’ and ‘Could I use the extra time not eating to curl off a cheeky one?’ Personally I’ve just curled off one whilst I’ve been talking to you. That’s why I’m so thin and vibrant.”

“It’s not about carbs. I grew up in the 1970s and they didn’t even have carbs then. It’s about more coming out of your arse than goes in your mouth. It’s obvious really.”

The Government have issued a statement warning more portly people not to discuss the diet with their GP. “Your GP simply won’t understand the science behind this diet and he may instead suggest getting regular ‘exercise’. Exercise affects your ability to poo. So it will make you fatter.”

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