David Cameron “It’s time to start smoking again”

Prime Minister David Cameron has applauded the efforts of anti smoking groups over the last 50 years and asked them to join him in his new venture ‘Lets get Britain smoking again’.

In an apparent change of direction that is absolutely in no way connected to any of his advisers being on the pay roll of Philip Morris who produce such tobacco favourites as Marble Arch Princely Size and Waitrose own brand pipe tobacco, Mr Cameron has said “It’s alright to spark up now”.

“Nobody is saying that smoking is good for you. But we’ve all had a nice break. And with pubs and restaurants having been smoke free for a few years now, we’ll all have lungs as clean as a whistle. But certain activities, such as seeing your Doctor or filling your car up with petrol can be quite stressful if you’re not able to puff away on a cigarette at the same time so we’ll be repealing that particular ban with immediate effect. We’ll also be partially lifting the ban in pubs, but patrons will only be able to smoke up at the bar, enabling those who insist on not smoking to go outside for some well needed fresh air.”

The move will come as good news for ex-smokers who have recently been exploring other methods to keep up their nicotine addiction. Some have used electric cigarettes and others have used a moist pouch of tobacco which the smoker climbs into and absorbs nicotine through the skin from all angles.

The Prime Minister has vehemently denied any sudden U turn on the Government’s policy on smoking. Speaking at a cigarette exhibition this morning where all the manufacturers roll out their new brightly coloured attractive packaging, Mr Cameron told us “As part of a measured approach to smoking, we’re going to watch some Australian smokers over the next ten years and see how much they cough. Then we’ll see if we need to do something. In the meantime I would suggest that smokers only use Philip Morris products like Paddington Menthols or Leicester Square Fat Ones. They’re a marvelous way of relaxing and you’ll look very sophisticated”.