Cigarettes to have invisible packaging

Cigarettes are to start using invisible packaging as part of a series of new measures to discourage smokers. Secretary of State for Health,  Member of Parliament for South West Surrey, and supporter of homeopathic woo, Jeremy Hunt said “If people can’t find their cigarettes then they’re less likely to smoke. The only slight flaw is that the invisible coating we use doesn’t seem to work on children. But in fairness they can always give up when they’re adults when their cigarettes start disappearing.”

Newsagent owners have argued that the new system will be difficult to implement. Bert Onions who has owned and managed News’n’Fags in Princes Risborough for over half a century told us “It’s difficult to see which brands are which. Someone might ask for a packet of 27 Paddington Menthols and end up with a packet of Marble Arch Princely size. And if the packaging that the cigarette packages are delivered in are also invisible, we’re not even going to know if we have any in stock. We already have to hide the cigarettes behind a screen and I have to cover my face with a veil.”

Indeed UKIP leader Nigel Farararage has condemned the new measures as ridiculous. “It’s another example of the nanny state. It’s clear that there should be some incentive against smoking. Under a UKIP Government there will be no restrictions against packaging or advertising of cigarettes and we’ll bring back smoking in pubs. But all cigarette shops will be situated under the sea so the health detriment of each cigarette purchase can be offset by a healthy man from Atlantis type diving adventure.”

Advice from the Surgeon General already states “There’s no doubt that smoking makes you look both sophisticated and debonair. If you must smoke try just blowing through them instead of breathing in. This makes them less addictive.”