New Conservative policies to be accompanied by evil laughs

evil laughing

David Cameron has told grass roots conservative supporters that he has listened to their views and is now prepared to act on them. From now on, he told party members this morning, there would be no more hard nosed fiscal policies given with a straight face under the vague guise of compassion, and it would now be mandatory for all ministers to introduce potentially unfair bills accompanied by an evil laugh.

In what many may see as the Prime Minister taking the bull by the horns, he went on to announce “We’re going to make banks lend people money they can’t afford and cause another recession!  Mwahahahahaa!”

George Osborne was quick to follow with “I’m going to make unemployed people work for their benefit so they don’t have time to find an actual job!  Mwahahahahaa!  And then I’m going to keep hammering poor people even when there is no deficit!  Bleh heh heh heh heh!!”

This could be the return to popularity within the Conservative Party that Cameron has been hoping for. Indeed his speech was greeted with a standing ovation and speeches from other ministers were all of a similar vein.  Health Minister, Jeremy Hunt, told MPs “I’m going to finish privatising the NHS and then I’m going to replace conventional medicine with homeopathy! Aaah hahahahahahaa!” and Michael Gove was quick to add “I’m going to sell the entire education system to McDonalds! Mwee hee hee hee hee!!”

“Thank God we don’t have to pretend to be nice anymore.” A Tory insider told us. “Having to pretend we even like each other, let alone people who aren’t rich, is hard work. This is like a breath of fresh air….Erm… Blahahahaa!!” he added.

The move has also seen the Conservative party  employ church organists to accompany the now mandatory evil mirth.  One such organist, Bert Onions, has welcomed the Tory party shift. “They need someone to play scary chords every time they perform an evil laugh. I’m getting paid per dramatic episode and I’m coining it in!”

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