Boris offers free drugs to all voters

boris free drugs

The General Election took an unexpected turn this morning when aspiring Conservative leader Boris Johnson told all floating voters that a vote for his party would mean free drugs.

Speaking this morning on the Andrew Marr show where he was vying with Labour Leader Ed Miliband for the best vote winning policies Mr Johnson said “Fuck it. Free drugs. Vote for us and you can have a huge great heaving bag of them. Uppers, downers, weed, coke, opium, methamphetamine, you name it we’ll dosh it out. Drugs for everyone, but if you can show us a copy of your ballot sheet and prove you voted for us then obviously you get the better stuff.

“We’re not just going to bring back smoking in pubs, You’ll be able to smoke bongs in garden centres. And all on us.”

The announcement is seen by many as a political master stroke with Ed Miliband struggling to explain his plans to curb private rents over Johnson’s protestations that people would be too stoned to care either way. However hapless Lib Dem Leader Nick Clegg went on record to say that he thought the plans were rushed and ill thought out.

“It’s no good making these offers if you’re just going to pick it all up from a bloke on a street corner. A Lib Dem Government would make the right contacts and order some much better stuff in advance, and just make a proper  night of it” He explained.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage questioned how many foreign drugs would be needed for the Tories to provide these party bags,

“I’ve no objection to Britain getting munted like a chimp on the public coffers but it has to be done without lining the pockets of South Americans, Afghans and people from Amsterdam. We should all be getting on it with magic mushrooms and scrumpy. Though Guardian readers will probably call me racist.” He told us.

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