HSBC are considering moving to a different country where it can do whatever the fuck it likes, as opposed to being more regulated, having to pay more tax and exhibit evidence of some sort of social conscience. The move follows plans announced in the budget to increase the bank levy.
A spokesman for the bank said “The Government are selfishly increasing the levy from 0.156% to 0.21% when they could easily be taking that money out of the state welfare budget. It’s unfair that we should have to stump up a proportionately minuscule slice of our profits when there are people out there not quite starving.
“As an industry we accept we need to adapt to regulatory pressure and appease a general public still angry after all the revelations of errant behaviour and assisting in tax evasion we have had recently. We are clearly going to have to tow the line and pay far more in taxes ourselves. On the other hand, we could just piss off somewhere sunny where we can bribe the local regime for a tenth of the price and get on with doing whatever the fuck we like.
“If you make us do nice and responsible things we will leave. We can and will take our disdain for humanity elsewhere.”
The news has reportedly caused some panic within the city. One nearby London resident said “It’ll be awful if they leave. I don’t actually know why it will be awful but I’m sure it will. Maybe we’ve all been a bit mean and should have a whip round for them.”