British adventurer Ranulph Fiennes has announced today that he intends to prove that advancing years are no handicap by climbing the Bristol Stool Chart unassisted. Mr Fiennes full name (Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes, 3rd Baronet, OBE) will climb to the very top of the chart whilst simultaneously performing the relevant bowel movements at each stage.
The Bristol Stool chart comprises of 7 treacherous levels. Level seven at the bottom is watery with virtually no solid pieces rising to level one which is comprised of poo so hard it can actually cut a diamond. Speaking at a press conference Mr Fiennes explained that he was in total awe of the chart and saw it as his toughest ever challenge.
“The Bristol Stool Chart was officially first scaled by Sir Edmund Hilary but this was not done without a great deal of help from Sherpas. In actual fact later analyses of the hard, nut like level one faeces which were deposited on the surface have been revealed to be Sherpa poo meaning that Sir Edmund may have been beaten to the summit. I will of course be travelling alone and filming myself passing stools at every level to avoid conspiracy theories”.
The wealthy exploring pensioner recently had to abort an expedition to Antarctica due to frost bite and whilst this is unlikely to happen in this case, he does run a risk of haemorrhoids, skid marks, winnets, and following through. “To begin with it’ll be mainly swimming and wading. We’ll set up base camp at level 4 where I should be able to pitch a tent without sinking. By the end of day 2 I should literally be strolling to the top. So in some ways it does get harder the higher up you go. But in other ways it doesn’t.”
Mayor of London, Boris Johnson has gone on record to voice his support and admiration. Speaking to reporters through a megaphone the sheep dog like politician told us “He makes me proud to be British and posh. You wouldn’t catch me climbing up there though. I’ll wait until you can get a train up there and there’s a café at the top.”