A re-elected non coalition Conservative Government will lick all the food in the food banks before any poor people can eat it, the Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne has confirmed today .
“Our first thought was to actually eat all the food in the food banks but on closer inspection they didn’t seem to have any foie gras so we thought we better just lick it all. I’m personally going to try to lick most of it myself. Generally just as it’s about to handed over to some poor people just so they know I’ve done it.
“I know that I may still be Chancellor at this point and some may think that I should be busy doing other things. But it’s alright. We’ll have fobbed off just about every state institution to private companies owned by our friends, family and us. Leaving me free to loiter around food banks licking stuff.”
One Conservative peer and former school chum of Mr Osborne told us “It’s not his fault really. It comes from his days at boarding school when at the start of a new term everyone would attempt to lick the contents of their own and anybody else’s tuck box in a mass tuck box domination frenzy. It was a dog eat dog world at public school and if you didn’t have any tuck, then you would have to go without until they served the roast swan at lunch time.”
However, Work and pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith has argued that Mr Osborne’s plans do not go far enough and has called for more drastic measures.
“These people need to realise there’s no such thing as a free lunch. So I’m shoving these tins of beans up my arse.” he explained.
News Toad 
Satire is a very strong way of making a point, well done!