Festive binge eaters spend £360 on one gym visit

duncan bannatynePeople who have eaten the equivalent of a Ford Focus full of lard over the festive period are set to make their annual visit to a gym today where they will be politely chastised for their lack of exercise, excess weight, overall shabby lifestyle, and consequently talked into a years water tight membership contract. More than likely they will then be sold a tailor made personal fitness plan in such a way that when they invariably miss the first session, they will be far too embarrassed to come to the gym again but will keep making the monthly payments.

One gym subscriber and non attender told us “I would cancel it but I’m worried that if I do they’ll send that boot camp army bloke round to shout ‘you too fat!’ at me. I think I’ll just let them have the money.”

Not everyone with a stone or two to shed will be subscribing to a gym this year. Some will instead be forking out on fad diets.One former gym subscriber told us

“I fell for the old ‘join a gym’ chestnut  last year, and the year before that , and the year before that so I made a promise this year that I wouldn’t throw my money down the drain joining a gym again.

“Instead I’ve signed up to the Oxfordy Lighter Hollyoaks Soup Diet™  where you buy a years supply of packet soups. You then eat the powder straight from the packet for one meal, and drink boiling water for the next. The body works so hard making the soup itself the weight just falls off.  The £200 a month (payable annually) also entitles you to bi-weekly meetings in a church hall which are a bit like group therapy but with an unqualified person. I might just keep the packets in the cupboard for a bit. It’s curry night tonight and Tuesdays are sticky bun day at work. I might even start again next year. It’s just a shame about the 12 month use by date on all the soup packets.

“Or I might just run around deliberately knocking thin people over with my stomach. Like Big Daddy.”

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