Jim Davidson to run for Prime Minister

Jim Davidson is to run for MP, leadership of the conservative party and Prime Minister in time for this years likely general election according to party sources. “People are too scared to slap a woman’s arse and do impressions of Indian people. I want an immediate return to 1970s intolerance and I’m going to criminalise […]

Theresa May “I’m the big change you all wanted”

Prime Minister in waiting Theresa May has congratulated the electorate for really sticking it to the man with the recent EU referendum with a warming message to the public. “I’m the fruit of your endeavours. I’m the big change you wanted.

Leadsom to bring back corporal punishment, ducking stools and blood letting

Conservative leadership hopeful Andrea Leadsom will bring back corporal punishment, blood letting and ducking tools should she obtain the job of Prime Minister.

Prime Minister Gove to punish everyone

Michael Gove has promised today that should he obtain the role of Prime Minister he will exact venomous revenge on all humankind rather than just singling out a particular minority to punish.

David Cameron “I want you all to stay poor”

The Prime Minister assured wealthy and influential dining guests that anyone affected by the austerity measures brought in by the Conservative led coalition is going to have to get used to it and issued them with the  following message “I want you all to stay poor.” Speaking last night  at the Lord Mayor’s Banquet at Guildhall […]

David Cameron “Drug dealers must offer all customers the best possible deal”

Drug dealers will be required by law to offer all their customers the best possible deal under new legislation announced today by David Cameron. Speaking at a Press conference this morning the Prime Minister explained “We’re sick and tired of hearing how one customer may be charged a certain tariff for a bag of weed […]

Public epidemic of blokes wearing red trousers

Men who wear red trousers are rapidly increasing in numbers and infiltrating all levels of society according to reports released this week.  BRTs as they are commonly known have historically inhabited seaside towns with a relatively low concentration of one per spare mile as due to their individualist nature they have tended to avoid their own […]

David Cameron “Britain must man up and learn to handle its drink”

Britain must man up and stop reacting to alcohol like a girl according to a report from a Government think tank released this morning. The report commissioned by Prime Minister David Cameron has warned that Britain must get “drink fit” if it is going to keep up with the rest of Europe. Speaking at a […]

David Cameron to give everybody a free bicycle

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that he will personally give every member of the public a free bicycle under a new Government initiative unveiled today.  Speaking at a press conference this morning Mr Cameron said the new funding would provide a “Cycling revolution like the one they had in china.” “Bicycles are great.” he […]

David Cameron “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick”

Prime Minister David Cameron has said the coalition will continue ‘right up until polling day’ in 2015 and has issued a stark message to party dissenters and the British public alike “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick.” “We’ve had some disagreements within the the coalition and even within the party but […]