David Cameron “I want you all to stay poor”

david cameron lord mayors banquet

The Prime Minister assured wealthy and influential dining guests that anyone affected by the austerity measures brought in by the Conservative led coalition is going to have to get used to it and issued them with the  following message “I want you all to stay poor.”

Speaking last night  at the Lord Mayor’s Banquet at Guildhall in London in between mouthfuls of Roast Swan and vintage Margaux,  the Prime Minister admitted that the Government had permanent plans for much lower spending.

“We originally chose austerity measures to get us out of the world wide recession that sub prime mortgage advisers in America left us in. Our only option was to take it out on disabled people, poor people and public servants until American financial advisers promised never to do it again.  But it’s been so much fun that we’re going to carry on doing it indefinitely. And if you’re poor now, this is only the start of it, we’re going take your dinners when you’re not looking, and then jump up and down on your heads.”

The move is thought to have delighted grass roots Conservative party members who have long campaigned for more unpleasant leadership. “We were all getting a bit worried about going back to this compassionate conservative malarky now the economy is improving. We need to get ourselves hot under the collar more and find some more scape goats to take it out on. It’s the only thing that will keep our swivelly eyes spinning round so quickly. And they have to, because if they ever stop, we’ll die.”

One former public servant and now poor person we spoke to told us that if anything they felt less stressed now they knew there was absolutely no chance of getting back on the ladder. “I’m going to stand on street corners turning the handle on a musical box with a pet monkey on my shoulder. If I’m lucky some passing gentleman might throw me a shilling.”


  1. Ah Toady, I thought I was going barmey from this shitty shopping holiday and David Moyes version of football. Thanks matey, I’m having a belly full going through your archives.

  2. Truly the stuff of great things!

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