Conservative leadership hopeful Andrea Leadsom will bring back corporal punishment, blood letting and ducking tools should she obtain the job of Prime Minister.
“We don’t hit enough people with sticks anymore. Children, Muslims, disabled people, all think they can get away with it scot free. I want to bring Britain back to simpler times when we hit people with sticks repeatedly.” She enthused.
Indeed, Ms Leadsom is already gathering support from Conservative MPs who, like her, pine for a yesteryear where everything was like Nutwood in Rupert bear books, apart from the racial diversity hinted at by the presence of different animals living together.
“One of our biggest mistakes was the NHS. If you look back to a magical olden times, doctors just used to cut parts of your body and let all the evil drip out with the blood. And then charge you for it. They were simpler, happier times.” She told us smiling.
Ms Leadsom has hailed the exit from the EU, and most likely the European Court of Human Rights if she has anything to do with it, as a victory for common sense.
“Nobody loves human rights as much as I do but if we don’t hold lefties underwater in a ducking stool for sustained periods of time we’ll never find out if they’re a witch.” She gushed.
The South Northants MP also said she would bring back fox hunting and would repeal gay marriage.
“It’s good to have someone so forward thinking in 2016.” One conservative member told us.