Miliband to legalise kicking your boss up the arse

A Labour Government will put legislation into place to enable all workers to occasionally kick their boss up the arse without any risk of being fired or incurring criminal charges according to leader Ed Miliband. Speaking on the Marr show the shadow Prime Minister said “We still need to make difficult decisions in terms of […]

Miliband and Cameron refuse to rule out coalition with each other

David Cameron and Ed Miliband have refused to rule out a coalition with each other should the smaller parties start getting too many seats and therefore want to be involved in Government. A spokesman for both parties said “It should be quite straight forward. We’ll do some things we want to do and some things […]

Salmond to be given Surrey

Alex salmond will be given Surrey as his own private kingdom to do with whatever he chooses should the SNP hold the balance of power in any future coalition with the Labour party. Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Salmond explained that whilst he would still be campaigning for Scottish independence he would himself […]

Cameron warns “Wealthy Tory donors will take their tax evasion elsewhere”

Wealthy Tory donors and other assorted friends of the Prime Minister will take their tax evasion elsewhere and fail to contribute to the public coffers in a completely different country unless left alone to do whatever they like, David Cameron has warned today. Speaking at a packed press conference an incensed Mr Cameron said that […]

Public epidemic of blokes wearing red trousers

Men who wear red trousers are rapidly increasing in numbers and infiltrating all levels of society according to reports released this week.  BRTs as they are commonly known have historically inhabited seaside towns with a relatively low concentration of one per spare mile as due to their individualist nature they have tended to avoid their own […]

Ed Miliband “We’ll tax people who look a bit flash”

A Labour Government will be directing it’s attentions to people who “look a bit flash and give the impression of being minted” according to leader Ed Miliband.  In a policy that will be calculated on knee-jerk reactions to first impressions rather than actual income. It’s thought that a group of Daily Mail readers will be […]

Labour despair as Ed Miliband takes vow of silence and sits in bucket

Senior Shadow cabinet members are said to be highly disappointed at yesterdays decision by Ed Miliband to completely stop speaking, both privately and publicly. A close family source said “It started over Sunday lunch when he refused to confirm or deny whether he would like another roast potato. Since then he has answered the phone […]

Ed Miliband to ban multiple votes for northerners

Ed Miliband has pledged today to finally end the practice of individuals having extra votes on Labour party matters simply due to coming from the Northern half of England. At present every Labour party member is entitled to one vote. However if he lives or comes from anywhere between Derby and Carlisle he will be […]

David Miliband leaves parliament to become train driver

David Miliband is planning to leave parliament to pursue his life long dream of being a train driver a close friend has confirmed to NewsToad. “He’s always wanted to be a train driver and finally he’s going to be one. He’s only been doing politics whilst he has been waiting for a position to come […]

Atos under fire again as David Cameron declared fit for work

David Cameron has been declared ‘fit for work’ and may lose his £142,500 per annum benefits according to disability denying random benefit allocators Atos. The decision may come as a blow for one of Britain’s highest paid benefit claimants who may struggle to match his income through conventional employment. An insider told us “Look, he’s […]