Salmond to be given Surrey

ed miliband snp

Alex salmond will be given Surrey as his own private kingdom to do with whatever he chooses should the SNP hold the balance of power in any future coalition with the Labour party.

Speaking on the Andrew Marr show Mr Salmond explained that whilst he would still be campaigning for Scottish independence he would himself be living in England where he could fulfil his life long dream of punting along the Thames in the mornings and spending his afternoons riding around Surrey on a horse.

“I’m no longer leader of the SNP and quite frankly I’m fed up with Scotland. It’s too cold.” He explained.

A source close to Mr Salmond revealed “He has a burning desire to own Surrey and everyone in it. It’s always been his dream to flounce around like a neo-feudal Lord of the Manor.”

Current SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon explained that she herself would not be moving permanently to England in the near future so as to keep her accent authentic sounding, but did hint at a desire to move to Basildon in Essex later on in her career.

“It’s not unusual to have a love hate relationship with the country that has colonised you. A bit like Robert Mugabe does” She explained.

Ed Miliband has refused to confirm or deny that he would that he would be offering Mr Salmond possession of huge tracts of land.

“He’s not going to get everything he wants. And I’m probably not going to do everything he tells me.”. He told us.

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