Labour despair as Ed Miliband takes vow of silence and sits in bucket

Ed Milipede

Senior Shadow cabinet members are said to be highly disappointed at yesterdays decision by Ed Miliband to completely stop speaking, both privately and publicly.

A close family source said “It started over Sunday lunch when he refused to confirm or deny whether he would like another roast potato. Since then he has answered the phone several times without speaking and managed to chair a completely silent meeting where other labour MPs also sat in silence waiting for him to start the conversation.  In fact over the last 24 hours he has only opened his mouth to breath and has spent most of his time sitting in a bucket.”

It’s thought that Senior Labour party members have tried various unsuccessful ways to get Mr Miliband to communicate. Andy Burnham told us “We’ve tried giving Ed a vintage car horn which we were hoping he could sound once for ‘yes’ and twice for ‘no’.  More recently we’ve laid out two mats with yes and no written on them in the expectation that he would jump onto one or the other when we played a recording of Mike Reid shouting ‘runaround now!’. But so far he won’t even get out of his bucket. We should have voted in his brother.”

However, former Labour leader Neil Kinnock expressed admiration for Mr Miliband’s new tactic and said he wished he’d thought of himself when he was fighting general elections. “He’s actually employing the same tactic as Mohammed Ali when he fought George Foreman in the rumble in the jungle. He let George Foreman do all the punching and then went for him when he got tired. We think Ed is planning to let David Cameron tire himself out talking and then hit him with a barrage of words just before the general election. Or he might just want to carry on being silent and sitting in a bucket. And that’s what makes him so dangerous.”

Mr Miliband has refused to comment.

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