Nick Clegg “A free beaver for every voter”

Deputy Prime Minister and Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg  has made an impassioned plea for the return of his lost supporters in time for the European and Local elections by offering a free beaver for every voter.

Seen by some as a risky ploy which if not successful could be referred to in the future as ‘beavergate’ Mr Clegg told Andrew Neil on his political chat show ‘Afternoon Bollocks’:

“Don’t get me wrong, we’ll carry on changing sides like Mussolini if it means us getting back into another coalition. But try getting upset about that when you can come home to your very own pet beaver mischievously making dams around your house and garden.”

The offer which many see as a game changer has met open hostility from other party leaders. A very angry UKIP leader and steel band dodger Nigel Farage  told us:

“It’s just another example of a former public school boy sitting in his ivory tower, not listening to what the common man on the street has to say. People are tired of it and instead they want jingoistic knee jerk borderline racism and tenuous connections between gay marriage and the weather.  They’re simply not going to be swayed by the prospect of  personal acquisition of a  large, primarily nocturnal, semi-aquatic rodent”

David Cameron dismissed rumours that this could change the balance of power in any future coalitions. “It’s just another stunt to make us look like the nasty party again. Just like when David Steel offered every voter an otter in the 1970s. He’s only doing it because he knows the Lib Dems won’t ever form a Government in their own right, even with him as leader. “

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls however argued that more clarity was needed on Mr Clegg’s stance. “We’re not sure if he means free beaver or free beavers as he’s refused to elaborate. I personally doubt he knows himself.  Either way, we can’t work out how he’s planning to fund such a lavish promise so let’s hope he’s got his sums right.”