Co-op members set to vote to carry on being shit

Former City Minister Lord Myners has said he is still confident he can persuade members of the Co-operative Group to vote for the troubled company to try not to be quite so shit, despite quitting the board due to growing opposition to his plans.

Speaking on Andrew Neil’s political show ‘Afternoon bollocks’  Lord Myners explained “I am confident that there is a good future for The Co-operative Group if the majority of members can just agree that they don’t want it to be shit. Then all we need to do is wait for them to vote, wait for the results and then have another vote about how exactly they want to go about being not shit.”

Patrick Gray, elected president of Midcounties region also told ‘Afternoon Bollocks’ on Wednesday that any changes would only take place with days, weeks or possibly months of endless negotiation. “We have a proud history of being a shit shop that you go into as a last resort, usually to buy almost out of date bread or scratch cards. And we’re not going to move away from that without an endless procession of talks, votes, rows, days off in lieu for the meetings and complimentary sandwiches while we go endlessly round and round in circles.”

A vote for members to decide on the possible date and location of a potential meeting to decide whether in theory to have a vote on whether the company should start talks on the possibility of not being shit is said to be almost under way if it has full agreement. One member told us “I’ll go to a meeting, but only if it’s in Barnsley on a Tuesday. Otherwise I’ll vote against it. The meetings are no fun without Paul Flowers  anyway.”