Theresa May “You can have Spam sandwiches or Shit sandwiches”

Prime Minister Theresa May has today warned that anyone shunning her offer of Spam sandwiches for lunch will have to eat shit sandwiches.

Speaking on the Marr show Mrs May said “I’m getting a lot of negativity from people who are vegetarian, can’t eat pork for religious reasons or simply don’t like Spam. Well frankly these unhelpful people are just playing politics not to mention defying the will of the people. They need to get behind my proposed lunch and trough in or it’s Mother’s Pride and faeces for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And they will have no-one to blame but themselves.”

The stark choice is thought to have divided the Conservative party with many disagreeing with the lunch on offer and others agreeing with it but wanting to be Prime Minister.

Leadership hopeful Boris Johnson emerged from his own kitchen wearing an apron and calling Mrs May’s plans for Sunday lunch insane.”It’s Sunday, we’re British and we demand a roast dinner. Almost as good as before Brexit. Just maybe without potatoes or gravy or something.”

However, UKIP leader Gerard Batten warned of mass civil unrest should the public be served up anything other than a turd in a bap. “A luncheon of shit sandwiches is everything I’ve dreamed off. Because at least it will finally stop immigration even though it won’t.”