David Cameron “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick”

Prime Minister David Cameron has said the coalition will continue ‘right up until polling day’ in 2015 and has issued a stark message to party dissenters and the British public alike “You’ll have to winkle us out with a shitty stick.”

“We’ve had some disagreements within the the coalition and even within the party but now were going to be focusing on the big issues and that means me being the Prime Minister.”

The Prime Minister has been accused of not respecting the feelings of rank and file Tory members, both grass roots and MPs who have campaigned to ban gay people from being monogamous and to have an expanse of water built between Britain and mainland Europe.  “We’re actually a very broad church of diverse opinions and that’s why we’re still best placed to lead this country right up until the 2015 General Election. In any event I’ve super glued my arse to the big chair at number 10 and nobody else will want to live there now because I’ve been around and licked everything.”

Nick Clegg has also dispelled rumours that the coalition may disband prematurely “I might only have a couple of years left of preaching in an authoritative fashion  to people that didn’t vote for me before I completely disappear into obscurity. So as you can imagine, you’ve got as much chance of getting me to resign as Kim Jong Un. I’m stuck in there like one of Richard Gere’s hamsters”

Leader of the Opposition Ed Miliband has confirmed that he will be best placed to lead the Labour Party to victory in the next General Election. “I’m definitely the best choice for party members and electorate alike. I must cut this interview short though I’m being approached by a man brandishing a poo encrusted shepherd’s crook.”