Premium rate Government lines must also offer sex chat

cameron on phoneThe Cabinet Office has announced that high cost phone lines which have overcharged victims of crime, widows and students are highly inappropriate, unless accompanied with some sort of verbal porn, preferably from the Ministers and heads of department themselves.

David Cameron said yesterday that entirely free phone lines should be considered when callers are likely to be “particularly vulnerable” or have low incomes. It also recommends offering free options when calls are likely to last a long time and end up costing substantial amounts. Unless of course the MPs involved in these lines are willing to discuss the nature of the underwear they are wearing and explain that they are feeling rather naughty at the moment.

“It’s quite clear that we should not be charging vulnerable people for phone calls to public services. But on the other hand nobody minds forking out a few quid for a bit of telephone sex, so it’s clear we’re going to have to do both.”

We phoned DEFRA and were lucky enough to speak directly to Owen Paterson who told us “I’m standing in a field with 2 cows and a sheep wearing only my pants. I bet you’re looking at me over a hedge you naughty boy. This call will be charged at £1.50 a minute. Love you long time.”

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt explained that patients were very unlikely to encounter premium rate lines when seeking medical advice. “It’s either free or I’ll be talking about my todger. It’s as simple as that.”

One member of the public we spoke to was full of praise for the scheme.

“It’s a good idea. I just phone porn lines whenever I want to speak to my MP anyway. If it doesn’t patch me straight through to them, then they’re probably phoning the same place on another line.”

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