Dull people attempt to fill their meaningless lives with pointless retail therapy

Dull people throughout the western world have today made up for yesterdays “Jesus doesn’t want the shops open day” by attending shops, town centres and shopping lifestyle villages en masse, as the Boxing day sales offered these people a welcome return to glossing over the futility of their meaningless lives.

One shopper we spoke to had been camped outside Whiteley Village shopping centre since early afternoon on Christmas day.”I was really looking forward to Christmas but on the day I was disgusted to find out that it was nothing like the trailers where all sorts of celebrities spend the day together in a big house performing various song and dance routines. All we did was swap presents and have a huge lunch so naturally I told the rest of my family where they could stick it, and pitched the tent and other assorted camping gear that they’d bought me outside the nearest celebrity endorsed shop.”

Whiteley shopping centre was by no means the only shopping centre to attract so many soulless people. Indeed a spokesman for Bicester shopping village just an hour up the road told us that they had been almost overwhelmed at at the sheer weight of numbers of uninteresting people coming through the doors.

“We’re always scared that after flogging them our wares like it’s going out of fashion up until the 24th, they couldn’t possibly want to come in and panic buy more shit on 26th. But as long as we hold our nerve and tell them it’s not shopping, it’s a lifestyle and manage to keep a straight face they keep on coming. Personally I’d have been on a country walk culminating with drinks in a nice pub or just spending some time with family and friends. But you can’t tell them that. Firstly, we might lose money and secondly they wouldn’t understand anyway. We’ll keep them here and take their money until we finally shut at 7pm and they go home to watch Harry Potter and the Adventures of the Shitty Stick. Or something.”

A Government spokesman “After a days trading like this, it’s easy to see how we could overtake Germany and be Europe’s biggest economy. We must work together to ensure these people never get any sort of life or take up any sort of hobbies.”