Don’t worry about climate change. It’s all going to be fine.

A man on the television has today told members of the public that rather than the world heading straight for an environmental apocalypse, it’s actually all going to be fine. Speaking to housewives, the long term unemployed and people taking a crafty sickie, under the guise of a conversation with Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby […]

Just how much heroin is in our children’s food?

First it was horse. And now it’s a different type of horse. The food industry is again under the spotlight as it has emerged that as well as being high in salt and sugar, many brand name processed foods and ready meals actually contain a high percentage of heroin, in some cases significantly more that […]

Prince Charles opens Somerset lido

The Prince of Wales has met residents and farmers in the flood-hit Somerset Levels to offer his congratulations on what is probably the biggest open air lido in the world, apart from some of the Great Lakes and the sea. Declaring the lido open and cutting some tape with a pair of scissors the Monarchic […]

Premium rate Government lines must also offer sex chat

The Cabinet Office has announced that high cost phone lines which have overcharged victims of crime, widows and students are highly inappropriate, unless accompanied with some sort of verbal porn, preferably from the Ministers and heads of department themselves. David Cameron said yesterday that entirely free phone lines should be considered when callers are likely to […]

Football in turmoil after badgers accused of ‘moving the goalposts’

The fate of the beautiful game over the coming week is hanging in the balance following a statement by Environment secretary Owen Paterson that badgers have been moving the goalposts. “The badgers moved the goalposts. We’re dealing with a wild animal, subject to the vagaries of the weather,disease and breeding patterns, that likes nothing more […]

Owen Paterson torn to shreds by badgers

Environment Secretary Owen Paterson has been torn to shreds by badgers in an unexpected turn to the badger cull saga. It’s thought that a number of badgers managed to gain access to the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs by disguising themselves as beagles and opportunistically following a man in a red suit […]

“There’s nae more room!” as Scotland becomes full to the brim

By all accounts it’s less Scotland and more Sardineland, as the the shock results of the 2011 census have revealed that there is no longer a single square foot of Scottish land that doesn’t have a Scotsman standing on it. Anyone visiting Scotland and hoping to view lochs, mountains and heather will now sadly be […]