Football in turmoil after badgers accused of ‘moving the goalposts’

owen paterson badgers

The fate of the beautiful game over the coming week is hanging in the balance following a statement by Environment secretary Owen Paterson that badgers have been moving the goalposts.

“The badgers moved the goalposts. We’re dealing with a wild animal, subject to the vagaries of the weather,disease and breeding patterns, that likes nothing more than interfering in games of football.”

Football pundit Chris Kamara said that unless all badgers moved the goalposts back exactly where they had found them then all games could be thrown into confusion, even in the Premier League. “Nobody will know where to kick the ball. And the goal keeper won’t know where to stand.”

Expert in wildlife and the seasons Chris Packham  told us  that he was shocked but not surprised by the revelations.

“I’ve never heard of badgers doing this before but I guess if they did, they would dig holes under the posts, pull them down and drag them along a bit before putting them up somewhere else. Or they might just come out of their holes and carry them somewhere else as part of a team. It’ll probably take a few of them to do that.”

The England and Wales cricket Board have dispelled rumours of games being disrupted by badgers moving the boundaries. Or something.

 

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