Owen Paterson torn to shreds by badgers


Environment Secretary Owen Paterson has been torn to shreds by badgers in an unexpected turn to the badger cull saga.

It’s thought that a number of badgers managed to gain access to the Department of the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs by disguising themselves as beagles and opportunistically following a man in a red suit on a horse to make it look like a fox hunt.

One DEFRA employee told us “Given our line of work we’re told to be on our guard for animal terrorism. But that usually involves sheep strapping themselves to poorly manufactured bombs,  who then forget what they’re doing and go back to join their friends. These badgers are far more dangerous. That’s why you never see stoats anymore.”

A consultant at the Badger Injury ward in St Mary’s Hospital Paddington, where Mr Paterson was admitted this afternoon, told us that the Minister’s condition was stable but the next 24 hours would be vital in his recovery. “He’s a strapping lad that Mr Paterson but his injuries are not exactly superficial. He has been torn to shreds by badgers and it’s going to smart a bit.”

Environmental campaigner and watcher of the seasons Chris Packham told us “We’ve been trying to warn him not to authorise the badger cull for months, for his own safety.  Badgers are total psychopaths and just need the flimsiest of excuses to go on a murderous rampage. Whilst they’ll generally go after Conservative politicians and DEFRA management to start with, if I know badgers like I think I know them, they’ll be leaving a trail of indiscriminate carnage once the blood lust sets in.”

Mr Paterson’s temporary replacement, who asked to remain anonymous, spoke to us from behind a screen and insisted that there was nothing for the public at large to be concerned about. “Just whatever you do, don’t march around in a wax jacket and wellies loudly blaming woodland creatures for bovine respiratory illnesses.” he warned “Or they’ll have you.”

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