Just how much heroin is in our children’s food?

First it was horse. And now it’s a different type of horse. The food industry is again under the spotlight as it has emerged that as well as being high in salt and sugar, many brand name processed foods and ready meals actually contain a high percentage of heroin, in some cases significantly more that the recommended daily allowance.

The degree of heroin found in one sample of items from the frozen food isle in Asda Burgess Hill  varied from 1% in fish fingers to 98.7% in Findus crispy pancakes.

One shopper we spoke to told of his disappointment.  “When you think about it rationally those crispy pancakes can’t be made from anything else.  I don’t quite know what I thought was in them apart from heroin but I think I was in a state of denial. If it wasn’t for the fact that I simply can’t be arsed to grill a bit of meat and boil a few vegetables then I would knock all these foods on the head.”

Television Mockney grubmeister Jamie Oliver recently hit the headlines with his public criticism of heroin in school dinners but the resultant legislation merely led to mothers throwing bags of heroin and chips over the school fence at lunch times. “My child won’t touch it unless it’s laced with smack” one mum told us.

Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs Owen Paterson said an outright ban would be unlikely, “Rather than actually stopping putting smack in food, what we ultimately need is better labelling. People are fine with class A drugs in their chicken dippers as long as they can see it on the label and make an adult decision.”

A spokesman from the National Association of Mass Produced Shit explained “We wouldn’t be able to offer such fantastic deals on our food like products if we had to spend all day writing labels with what we put in them. If there was anything wrong with our food your children wouldn’t badger you to buy it all the time.”