Drug use at an all time low as young people discover lying

The proportion of adults who tell Policemen that they use illegal drugs has fallen to its lowest level since records began, according to the latest crime survey for England and Wales.

The report states that drug use is now at it’s lowest since 1996, a notoriously well behaved year when absolutely no one took drugs in March and despite illegal raves being common place, they were prone to wind up early as people were planning to get ‘an early start’ the following day.

Doubt has been cast on the accuracy of today’s report as rumours circulated today that many young people have discovered lying. Previously a tactic used only by the secret services, the process involves stating something that isn’t true whilst omitting to clarify the statement’s inaccuracy.

One Police Officer told us “It’s a nightmare waiting to happen if this lying thing catches on. Up until now we have simply had to ask someone whether they have taken drugs or committed a crime and rely on an honest answer. Now thanks to that Lance Armstrong and Tyson Gay people think it’s alright to tell fibs. Now we’re not going to know what’s going on at all.”

Mr Johnny Big-potatoes, President of the National Association of Drug Dealers told us “Nobody seems to take drugs anymore when we ask them. Thankfully we’re still selling them like it’s going out of fashion, they must all be getting them for someone else.”

Home Secretary Theresa May called the new statistics a victory for whatever the coalition’s policy is on this particular matter. “You can call it lying. But if it gets the figures down then it’s great news for Britain.”