Jools Holland to accompany Royal birth on the piano

jule holland

A spokesman from St Mary’s Hospital has today confirmed that Princess Kate’s labour will indeed be enhanced by musician and television presenter Jools Holland playing a variety of boogie woogie classics in time with the contractions.

A music industry insider told us “It’s difficult to say no to Jools. Whenever any band starts to make it commercially, the next thing they know he’s there plinkety plonking away with a shit eating grin on his face, whether they want it or not. It’s not his fault. He genuinely thinks everything is shit unless he’s there to play the piano.”

Indeed with nobody appearing to have the confidence to tell him to do one, Mr Holland has played boogie woogie alongside such bands as Slip Knot, Metallica and Kraftwerk. Not content with attempting to turn all music into him tickling the ivories, more recently he played along with the rescue of 33 Chilean miners in 2010 before deciding that he should really be playing along with medical operations at St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington.

One Consultant Surgeon who asked to remain nameless told us “We’re not actually too happy about it. Half the time he doesn’t know the patients’ medical history or special requirements before piling in and plonking away.  And then we have to help him wheel his piano into the theatre before we can start. And we have to sort him out with a rider. It’s ridiculous. We have Junior Doctors and midwives who are perfectly capable of playing the piano if required to enhance any operation or birth.”

A spokesman for the hospital has however applauded Mr Holland’s efforts. “We’re all looking forward to the birth and would ask that it be kept as a private occasion between Kate, William and of course Jools playing and singing jazzy little brown jug. Some of the staff even remember Prince William’s birth 31 years ago in the same ward. Of course, back then we all had to make do with Nicholas Witchell playing 1980s TV theme tunes on a kazoo” he reminisced.


  1. It would be in bad taste to play “Up the Junction.”

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