Candy Crush Saga revealed as front for Church of Scientology

It starts out as fun, then you have to pay money, then you find out we are descendants of aliens. Only when you finally decide it’s all bollocks and decide to knock the whole thing on the head that you start to get vans with blacked out windows permanently parked outside your house. To make matters worse, the popular game of Candy Crush Saga has today been accused of being a front for the Church of Scientology.

One former player of the game spoke to us anonymously from a safe house where he was forced to flee after deciding to escape the cult and delete the application from Facebook. “You spend all day poking your finger on pear drops trying to change them into jelly babies like a deranged chimp trying to earn himself a banana and then you find out that you’ve been subliminally recruited into the Church of Scientology. When I said I wanted to leave they sent people round who threatened to expose my inadequacies to the world. The main one being that I played candy crush saga of course. It’s just like the time I played Farmville and ended up having to join the Moonies.”

Scientologists believe that the human race was originally pooed onto the planet earth by an alien warrior known as Quagadoo who was taking a ‘rest break’ on his galactic travels. However as one insider told us “You have to get to level 207 and have bought quite a few upgrades before they let you in on that little nugget.”