“Just Bunk the train” says Transport Secretary

bunk the train

The Government has today responded to public dissatisfaction with rail increases with a clear message. “Don’t worry about tickets, you can just bunk the train.”

Speaking at this morning’s press conference Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin, who sets the rules on fares, said “I know I’ve given the OK for higher ticket prices but now it’s all privatised I doubt we’ll see much benefit from it, so I’d just sneak on without paying if I was you. We’ve all done it at some point. George Osborne still does it now. The best way to do it is to get on the train with a large empty suitcase which you then climb into for the duration of your journey but locking yourself in the toilet with a whoopee cushion normally works. You can tell the ticket inspector that you fell asleep on the train, pretend to be foreign and not understand English or you can just foam at the mouth a bit and run up and down the carriage wearing only your pants.”

Labour Leader Ed Miliband said that it was disgusting that the Coalition seemed to have the same policy as Labour on hiking up rail fares, but urged passengers not to follow Tory policy on bunking their train journey, “I may represent the common people but I’m also very rich and consequently fail to grasp the concept of people being short of cash. However, if we are re-elected we’ll be introducing a third class ticket where passengers will be able to climb onto the roof like in India.”

Protesters campaigning to “Bring back British Rail” at a number of stations today had a clear message for the Government and rail companies alike  “We want trains to be run just like they were in the 1970s. When they were far cheaper, far more plentiful, advertised by Jimmy Saville and most carriages smelt of wee.”

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