“What the fuck is Khat?” Police ask Theresa May


Home Secretary Theresa May has today opposed the advice of her own drugs advisers to announce that the plant Khat, which people chew and wakes you up a bit like coffee, is to be made illegal.

Defending her decision, she told us “It’s not like coffee. It’s drugs. Despite what our drugs advisers may be saying, Khat makes your head spin round and vomit acid. You don’t even have to chew it to become addicted. You can become hooked by simply inserting a stalk in your ear. So it’s not just another excuse to arrest African immigrants at all.”

One Police Officer told us ‘”I have enough trouble telling the difference between marijuana and parsley without Theresa Dogshit May inventing new illegal drugs. What the fuck is it? Is it a plant, an animal, a TV presenter? Is it ‘a’ cat? Do people, chew it, smoke it, stroke it, snort it? How do we tell if someone’s on it? Do they smell different?  Can you still drive or fly a plane on it? Can’t we just arrest people for those dangerous legal highs that at least look like drugs? Or even better, just arrest people with googly eyes? ”

Police and Crime Commissioners have vowed that they will encourage their forces to stamp the Khat epidemic out, if there is one, and will ensure that their forces are fully trained in spotting it, whatever it looks like. Outspoken Police and Crime Commissioner Ian Johnston told us that he planned to make his region Gwent Khat free, assuming that it isn’t already.

“It’s not the same as ‘a’ cat. That’s an animal and it’s still illegal to smoke or chew but for different reasons. Khat actually looks a bit like tiny rhubarb or stringy asparagus. So we’ll probably have to just arrest everyone buying, selling or chewing vegetables” he explained.

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