Falkirk candidate to be decided by punch up

labour punch up

The new Labour candidate for the constituency of Falkirk is to be decided through an old fashioned punch up according to Labour sources.

In what is seen to be the biggest test of his leadership since pulling the rug from under his brothers feet, Ed Miliband told a heaving press conference “Eric Joyce used to like a beer and a fight and we’re determined that his replacement will hold exactly the same values. We may disagree with Unite on other criteria but it’s clear that unless he or she has a good left hook then the rest is meaningless.

The Labour Party I lead will select its candidates in a fair and transparent way. Whoever can prove that they’re not all mouth and can mix it a bit after four pints with single malt chasers, will receive our full support.” he added.

Candidates chosen by Labour, both locally and nationally and those selected by Unite are set to meet up in the Railway Tavern for approximately 3 hours drinking before moving to the car park to throw punches at each other. The location is seen as ideal as potential candidates will be able to simply nip across the road to the station afterwards for the long journey back to the towns or cities where they actually live. A spokesman from Falkirk Labour told us  “It’s not a free for all for any passing drunks who fancy mixing it a bit.  And rest assured, if you’re the last one standing, you WILL be the new Labour candidate”

Ed Miliband has however told  Unite leader Len McCluskey that any attempt to rig the process will not be tolerated. “It’s fists only. If any Unite sponsored candidates attempt to win by pinching, pulling hair or chinese burns, we will be calling the police”  he warned.


  1. Hi,

    You probably get dozens of these sorts of Blog nominations (- so feel free to ignore me) but I was asked to nominate Blogs for a “Best Moment Award”. As spam goes this seemed like one of the friendliest forms and I was more than happy to have my ego massaged.


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    ((BTW The Toad raises a smile 100% of the time – big up The Toad!))

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