Breaking! Tony Blair hands himself in to Police

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair has reportedly handed himself in to Paddington Green police station where he is still thought to still be helping with enquiries according to eye witnesses. Apparently telling passers by that he “just can’t do this any more” Mr Blair is thought to have arrived at Paddington Green at approximately 8am […]

Police break up for Christmas holidays

Police forces throughout the country have been arresting their last burglars this afternoon before signing off at about 3ish for a well earned two week Christmas break. “I’m sure it’ll be fine” One custody sergeant told us  “Theresa May thinks we only need about two policemen to keep the country safe anyway, and there’s bound […]

National Association of Burglars to endorse Government cuts to Police

The National Association of Burglars has today come out in full support of Government plans to cut funding for all forces by 5% over the next 5 years. A spokesman for the Association said that the last thing today’s burglar needed was constant interference from a police officer who is often completely out of touch […]

Theresa May “Police must top up their wages with bribes”

Police officers will be expected to top up their wages with bribes for ‘drawing a blind eye’, according to Home Secretary Theresa May, as the Government announce plans to reduce the starting salary of a Police Constable by 20%. Speaking at press conference this morning, the Home Secretary told us “On a recent trip to […]

Britain to import scary foreign police chiefs

Britain is set to abolish the rule whereby every Police Officer must start at the bottom and work their way up, in order to give all senior positions to promising graduates, experienced managers from other sectors and mad as biscuits foreign police chiefs. Home Secretary Theresa May has frequently argued that a move away from […]