Theresa May “Police must top up their wages with bribes”


Police officers will be expected to top up their wages with bribes for ‘drawing a blind eye’, according to Home Secretary Theresa May, as the Government announce plans to reduce the starting salary of a Police Constable by 20%.

Speaking at press conference this morning, the Home Secretary told us “On a recent trip to Africa, I was asked by one of the locals, how much it would cost in Britain to bribe a Police Officer and I was ashamed to say that I had no idea. It all felt very decadent. This is yet another example of a lazy, complacent public sector, where workers make little or no effort to earn extra income. From now on all Police jobs will be advertised with an ‘On target earnings’ salary and the highest earning coppers will form an elite ‘Champagne Club'”

The moves have received their fair share of criticism, not least because they involve publicly funded secondments to certain African, Asian and Eastern European countries where officers can properly learn their craft.

One such Trainee Policeman spoke to us having just finished a days training. “There’ll always be those resistant to change, but I’m loving it. Today we learnt how to ‘find’ a bag of dried chives in someones pocket and charge them £50 to ‘forget the whole thing’.”

This will not be the first time that Mrs May has encountered controversy in her plans for a fitter leaner Police Force. Only last year the Home Secretary faced derision from Labour and the Police themselves when she suggested that the entire Metropolitan Police could be reduced to one hyperactive beat copper with long arms like Mr Tickle.

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