The SNP have “Big plans for the Home Counties” and are fully prepared to discuss non-Scottish things with non-Scottish people should they hold the balance of power following the General Election on May 7th.
SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon told a press conference that should she find herself as Deputy Prime Minister she would immerse herself in rural English politics like a whippet up a drain pipe,albeit through clenched teeth and with a sick bucket handy, and drawing the line at actually visiting any of these places.
“Obviously we’re going to feel a little bit filthy dictating issues in places such as Woking and Hertingfordbury but if we’ve been elected and we have that remit it would be shame to waste it. Perhaps locals could help us by being a little bit more Scottish themselves. Just a tiny bit. It’s not too much to ask.”
The statement comes as much of the SNP leadership spent more than 2 hours discussing what policies they would instigate south of the Tyne should a weak Labour Government be forced to bow down to their every whim. Indeed the manifesto published today contains detailed accounts of several non-Scottish pledges including reducing the M25 to one lane and transforming Basingstoke into a giant penis.
The statement comes as UKIP leader Nigel Farage announced he had “Big plans for Scotland” should UKIP be in coalition with the Conservatives.
“We’re going to shut the M8 and transform Aberdeen into a giant rotating bollock.” He explained.