“Tell them it was a bike accident” Corbyn tells Branson

Sir Richard Branson is this morning still denying that he was duffed up by Jeremy Corbyn after a row about trains earlier in the week.

Whilst the labour leader was refusing to answer questions regarding the battering of any British billionaires, a source told us that Corbyn most likely travelled to his island and gave him a proper kicking.

“Jeremy Corbyn said he was making jam. I don’t know how long it takes to make jam but conceivably it might be long enough to fly over to Branson’s private island, sitting on the floor of the plane, and give him a proper kicking. And then come back. Either way, Branson’s not letting on what really happened. Well he wouldn’t. Not unless he wants more of the same.” We were told.

Speaking from outside a hospital close to his private island Mr Branson said “I can fully confirm that I fell of my bike. What’s more I lied about there being free seats on the train and can confirm that Jeremy had to sit on the floor because of my ineptitude. I also apologise for thriving in a neo-liberal capitalist environment and behaving like a feudal Lord. He’s not coming back is he?”

Labour leader contender Owen Smith said “Never trust a man with a beard. Take me for example. I haven’t got a beard.”