Princess Beatrice is to stab and maim all famous gingers with a sword, starting with Chris Evans, the moment she has visited Ed Sheeran in hospital and finished the job she started according to Royal sources.
“You’d think she’d be bound by the same laws as everybody. But unfortunately due to her minor royal status she is legally free to maraud around the country tracking down celebrity gingers before making them look into her huge eyes and foresee their own death frame by frame in ginger technicolor, which would often occur just seconds later.” One Palace insider explained.
Indeed Ron Weasley, Mick Hucknall out of Simply Red and Shaggy out of Scooby doo are all thought to be doubling up their personal security following reports that the sword wielding Princess might be using attacks by Britain first and Islamic State as a smokescreen to knock off a few more gingers in yet more “terrible accidents”.
“You’d be forgiven for thinking that being ginger herself she’d have the backs of her brethren, rather than wanting to slay them, but honestly they’re the worst. They’re incredibly competitive. There can be only one.” Former Labour leader Neil Kinnock told us.
We attempted to speak to Homeland Actor Damian Lewis. But he wasn’t in.