Conservative Government to make tough decisions due to financial mess inherited from themselves


The Government are going to have to make some tough decisions due the appalling state of the public purse that they inherited from the last Government, which was themselves, according to Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond.

“We want a fitter, leaner, skinnier, emaciated, malnourished economy fit for the 2020’s and that’s why we have to cut away at the fat, and the skin and the vital organs. We don’t want to instigate more austerity measures but we have no choice after the appalling state the economy was left in after 6 years of us and our shitty austerity measures. And if doing exactly the same thing all over again leaves us in an even worse position in 2020 then we’re probably going to have to make some difficult decisions then too.” Mr Hammond explained.

The news is not all bleak as the Chancellor has confidently denied forecasts that Brexit will weaken the public purse by over £120 billion.

“The forecasts might well be true but however much we lose we can offset it with austerity measures. We’ll offset it with austerity measures if it isn’t” He reassured critics.

Prime Minister Theresa May has assured workers concerned about no wage rise since 2007, and not likely to have one until way after 2020, that everything will actually be alright.

“Don’t forget I’m the one that promised to have workers on every board of directors. And then changed my mind.” She told us.

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