National Association of Burglars to endorse Government cuts to Police


The National Association of Burglars has today come out in full support of Government plans to cut funding for all forces by 5% over the next 5 years.

A spokesman for the Association said that the last thing today’s burglar needed was constant interference from a police officer who is often completely out of touch with the pressures facing the profession.

“It’s already the most regulated industry where unless you perform a burglary incredibly efficiently and cover your tracks you’re likely to get a fine or even end up in prison. Already people are leaving the industry to move into drug dealing or banking. This move will enable us to self regulate and deal with our own issues in house.”

However Home Secretary Theresa May has warned that contrary to the laws of basic mathematics, less police funding would actually mean more regulation for criminals.

“In theory each town only needs one police officer. As long as they can run very fast and have extendable arms. The less actual police we have, the more we can regulate crime. It’s a bit like homeopathy.” She explained.

One of many public figures to criticise the plans has been former NWA rapper Ice Cube who told us “I don’t live in the UK but hypothetically speaking, if I did, I’d be starting to feel pretty stupid performing renditions of my classic song Fuck da Police if there aren’t any to fuck. In any event if there’s no police I won’t be able to call anyone if someone tries to rob my huge mansion while I’m mowing my mothafucking lawn. It’ll be total anarchy with everyone just running around and doing what they want willy nilly.”

One source from the home office confided “It’s all for the greater good. If you have too many police, they just wander the streets in pairs like they’re on holiday or something.”

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