Theresa May “All Private investigators must have a theme tune”

theresa may

All private investigators will be required to work with a signature theme tune in the background according to new legislation announced this morning by Home Secretary Theresa May. “We’ve had a number of complaints of Private Investigators to being up to all sorts. So it’s quite clear they need to have a theme tune playing at the start and end of every case just like Monk or Spender. You never hear about either of them being up to all sorts so it’s clearly the way forward.”

However the move has not been well received by many Investigators who feel that the legislation may well affect results and drive costs up. One complained “It’s a nightmare. As part of my job I often have to observe people through a broad sheet newspaper with two holes cut in it. Sadly thanks to Theresa Dogshit May I have to do this with a ghetto blaster playing ‘every breath you take’ by Sting. I’m trying to get my theme tune changed to ‘paid in full’ by Eric B and Rakim but even so, it’s hardly incognito.”

Under the new legislation each investigator will be permitted to choose their own sound track, though this will of course be subject to a successful application. Officially it will be illegal for two investigators to share a theme tune but this may be waived if working as part of a double act.  It’s thought that most tunes involving wah wah guitar will be taken up quite quickly, closely followed by music from trumpet and saxophone based dance bands.

We spoke to one Private Investigator who had just received his tune and was practicing running up and down the street in time to it. “I managed to obtain the theme tune from shaft which may seem a little unusual as I’m fat, white and in my late 40s but at least I know I’m doing the job legally. The downside is that people do see me coming.”

Further legislation requiring each investigator to sit in a bar having monumentally shit banter at the end of every case while the titles are going up has not been officially announced but is thought likely.

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