Mugabe wins Zimbabwean Presidency, X-Factor and meat raffle

mugabe

Unofficial election results from Zimbabwe today indicate that Robert Mugabe has yet again secured the country’s presidency, as well as winning X-Factor, Zimbabwe’s Got Talent and landing himself a nice rib of beef in his local pub’s weekly meat raffle. Though official results are yet to be published it appears that they will also confirm him as Mayor of Beziers in southern France, whilst in Britain he is expected to be named as leader of Basingstoke Women’s Institute and Chairman of Watermead parish council in Aylesbury.

The outgoing chairman Sue Severn has complained that she was unaware of any election for her position actually taking place. A spokesman for Mr Mugabe has however confirmed “There certainly were elections and they were conducted fairly in an atmosphere of peace”.

Zimbabwean opposition leader, Morgan Tsvangirai, has warned residents of Watermead, which is situated around a man made lake, that the new Parish Council Chairman may not have their best interests at heart. “He will fill the lake with pedalos which will be only for use by loyal Zanu PF members. Then he will pass a bylaw that only his cronies can barbecue passing swans. You wait. He’s done it before.” he told us.

One Watermead resident Bert Onions told us that he looked forward to the parish being governed with a fresh pair of eyes. “To my knowledge he’s never been here so you can’t get much fresher than that. We should definitely give the lad a chance. He’s got 33 years experience of being in charge, so he’s got to be doing something right. I only hope I’m winning elections left right and centre when I’m 89.”

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