Eric Pickles appeals to public to stop parking cars up his arse

eric pickles car

Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government Eric Pickles has made a heart felt plea to the British public to desist from the recent trend of attempting to park their cars up his arse.

One motorist who had just recently removed his Citroen Berlingo from Mr Pickles’ sphincter told us “It’s difficult to know where you stand with this Government. That Pickles has been rabbiting on about parking where you like for 15 minutes, and lets face it, everybody knows what ‘rent out your driveway’ really means. He’s giving us mixed messages. If I get a ticket I won’t pay it.”

Mr Pickles has admitted that he may have sent out the wrong messages in positioning himself ‘firmly on the side of the motorist’. Speaking at a hastily assembled press conference and surrounded by security he told us “People are beginning to get quite sneaky about it. Only recently I was caught out by a husband and wife team where the wife jumped out of the car and pretended to drop some change onto the pavement. Obviously I bent down and started helping myself and the next thing I knew the husband had deftly driven his Ford Mondeo into my tradesmans entrance. It’s not even the first time he’s done it. It’s getting to the point that I’m uncomfortable to leave home in the morning without my trousers on.”

One traffic warden, who was busy hiding behind a bush waiting for tickets to run out, told us he was powerless to intervene in such cases. “It’s impossible to put a ticket on the windscreen unless they reverse in. And unless Mr Pickles paints yellow lines on his mud flaps there’s not a lot we can do legally.”

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