“£5 notes made from free range cows” assure Bank of England

The Bank of England have assured the public today that all cows used to produce the new £5 note lived a wonderfully free life, gambolling through the meadows, before being slaughtered and used to emboss the Queen’s head on legal tender.

Conservatives to bring 1980s cabinet back from beyond the grave

Prime Minister David Cameron is understood to be bringing back the 1980s Conservative cabinet from beyond the grave using a combination of medical science and voodoo according to Downing street insiders. Former Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg said “They’ve been trying to do this for the last five years. Up until now we’ve been able […]

Rush for loans as negative inflation means loan companies must pay borrowers interest

Lenders ranging from banks to pay day loan companies are thought to be furious at news that negative inflation forecast for later in the year could mean having to pay interest to people who have borrowed from them. Governor of the Bank of England, Mark Carney, explained that in a society such as ours that […]

Bankers’ bonuses to be paid in cheese

Bankers’ bonuses are to be paid in cheese according to Prime Minister David Cameron in a surprise U turn regarding the running of the state owned bank RBS. “Legally we can only make RBS do it, but we would urge other city based banks and financial institutions to do the same if they want to […]

Mass middle class panic as house prices start vibrating

The Bank of England have been urged today to use whatever fiscal powers they have at their disposal as throughout Britain house prices began vibrating for the first time in recent history. One owner of a larger than average house told us “It’s absolutely terrible. If my house is increasing in value then naturally I […]

Employers say “It’s ok not to go in tomorrow”

Employers have come together to agree an impromptu day off for all workers tomorrow. A spokesman for the National Union of Bosses told us. “It’s been a lovely day, and people have obviously had a few beers after lunch, so we’re willing to draw a blind eye if people can’t be arsed to come in. […]