“£5 notes made from free range cows” assure Bank of England


The Bank of England have assured the public today that all cows used to produce the new £5 note lived a wonderfully free life, gambolling through the meadows, before being slaughtered and used to emboss the Queen’s head on legal tender.

Bank Of England Governor Mark Carney said that whilst a cow might suffer pain in being crushed to the thickness of a £5 note before being snipped into an oblong shape, fail safes were in place to ensure it lived a happy life up until then.

“I know animal lovers would like us to make the notes out of carrots but we have to be realistic. Ultimately we do grind cows down and make them into money but they get to live an independent life before then, eating real grass, standing out in the rain and listening to the birds singing. Even a vegetarian would approve of that.” He explained.

Indeed the fact that the new £5 notes are actually farm assured has actually led to a surge in demand for the cow containing currency, particularly from the middle classes.

One Waitrose shopper told us “I don’t use any other notes now because they’re not organic. And then if I use them to purchase something that’s free range, I’m actually doing my bit twice.”

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