Bankers’ bonuses to be paid in cheese

Bankers’ bonuses are to be paid in cheese according to Prime Minister David Cameron in a surprise U turn regarding the running of the state owned bank RBS.

“Legally we can only make RBS do it, but we would urge other city based banks and financial institutions to do the same if they want to restore public trust and confidence. And quite frankly a high basic salary plus a shit load of Camembert is still an enviable package. And that’s why we’re attracting top talent from Wall Street and Tokyo. ” he explained.

Indeed one trader told us “You can always tell who’s had the biggest bonuses when you go to the city bars on bonus day. All the ones who’ve done well will be sitting there looking smug with giant baguettes and metre square crackers. They want the others to know just how much cheese they’ve been awarded.”

However, one taxi driver we spoke to was less than enthused on the matter.  “I hate bonus day. I get a constant stream of bankers forcing a huge Gouda or truckle of Cheddar into my cab and then filling up any spare space with Mini Babybels. I can’t see anything but cheese through my rear view mirror. To make it worse they’re downright rude and they never tip. You’d think they’d at least bung me a bit of Dairylea or a Laughing Cow triangle for my trouble.”

Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer Ed Balls has condemned the new system as a cynical ploy to side step any financial caps on bonuses. “The moment RBS bankers receive their bonuses in cheese they’ll be straight round to ‘We buy any cheese’ or ‘Cash for cheese’ which funnily enough have both opened up just across the road from their head office.”

RBS have confirmed their recent acquisition of both companies as ‘Pure coincidence’.