Public demand new crimes from 1970s celebrities

Barlow

The British public are tired of hearing about 1970s television personalities being questioned for historic misdemeanours and have called for them to branch out into different crimes according to new figures released today.

The news comes as crowds packed the courtroom gallery today to watch TV’s Ken Barlow being accused of some things. One spectator told us  “Most of us  were hoping that he might have been caught moonlighting as an aristocratic jewellery thief or perhaps running an inner city drug gang. But oh no. Sexual assault again. It’s very disappointing.”

Bert Onions from the National Association of People who Fill in Polls explained “It was all very nice hearing about Jim’ll Fix it a few years ago but it was hardly a wide ranging crime portfolio. We want to hear about Nicholas Parsons robbing a bank. Or Brian Cant running a protection racket. Maybe Bruce Forsyth could be twocking cars in and around Bedfordshire. Or perhaps Terry Wogan could be running a fraudulent investment company where he keeps all the deposits and uses them to fund a life of luxury.

“Failing that we’d like today’s celebrities to have a long hard think about what sort of illegal activities they could be getting up to which we can all find out about 40 years down the line once they have become geriatric national treasures.”

In other news Dave Lee Travis, Rolf Harris and Freddie Star are unlikely to be accused of robbing a train or stealing a bus loaded with gold bullion and driving it around windy mountain roads.

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