‘Food’ to blame for obesity crisis

foodBritain stands on the precipice of an obesity crisis according to leading scientists who have bizarrely cited ‘food’ as the main reason. The claims have encountered controversy as it challenges the belief that you can eat as much food as you like as long as you buy it from Waitrose or Selfridges food hall.

One overweight person told us “I don’t understand. Everything I eat is locally sourced from natural ingredients. I’ve just eaten four quiches from the farm shop round the corner and I’m still overweight. So I’m going to another farm shop that makes it’s own pork pies. And I’m not going to stop eating them until I look like Kate Moss.”

Another overweight individual we spoke to had reservations about the findings. “It’s absolutely nonsense. I start the day with a leaf of lettuce, have a single wholemeal cracker bread for lunch and in the evening I have a single prawn. That time that you saw me consuming a large bag of sticky buns in the town centre was strictly a one off. I’m heavy boned and have a high or low metabolism which means through no fault of my own I draw fatty particles from the atmosphere.”

However the picture is not as bleak as it might seem according to TV Doctor Christian Jessen. “There’s a tendency towards scaremongering by so called Doctors like me. But that’s probably just because we’re having a bad day. Rest assured  if you do accidentally eat too much and get too fat we’re on hand to fit you with a gastric band. And in any event if the majority of people are fat by 2050 it’s actually a good thing.  Because if most people are obese then that will make it the norm so they won’t actually be fat. It’s just some other people will be thin.”

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