Rolf Harris confirmed as Strictly contestant

Rolf Harris has confirmed that he will be entering Strictly Come Dancing as a contestant for the forthcoming 2017 competition. 

Supermarkets to stop selling hairy cornflakes

Supermarkets throughout Britain are to stop selling hairy cornflakes with immediate effect after former radio one DJ and inspiration for the popular breakfast cereal Dave Lee Travis has today been found guilty of indecent assault. The verdict has seen boxes vanish from shelves at an unprecedented rate, perhaps only equalled by the sudden evacuation of […]

Public advised to sing Cliff Richard songs while they still can

Members of the public with a penchant for singing Cliff Richard songs at work, whilst out walking or maybe just in the bath, are being told to get it out of their systems once and for all on the off chance that if the singer is arrested and convicted of something, then all his songs […]

Prison now indistinguishable from a royal variety performance

Criminals throughout the country are reportedly owning up to their crimes and then committing more in order to ensure a custodial sentence where they will stand a good chance of being entertained for free by a plethora of music hall talent from the 1970s. One judge we spoke to told us “We’re getting through convictions […]

Rolf Harris to paint his defence

Rolf Harris has today begun his defence against charges of indecent assault by way of puffing, panting and playing the wobble board whilst simultaneously painting a 24 foot high mural, an action that he says will prove him innocent of all charges. One juror told us of his surprise that instead of cross examining the […]

Public demand new crimes from 1970s celebrities

The British public are tired of hearing about 1970s television personalities being questioned for historic misdemeanours and have called for them to branch out into different crimes according to new figures released today. The news comes as crowds packed the courtroom gallery today to watch TV’s Ken Barlow being accused of some things. One spectator […]

“It can’t be Rolf Harris. It must have been Dave Lee Travis” say public

The British public have today responded to Rolf Harris’s charges with a united voice. “It can’t have been Rolf. It must have been Dave Lee Travis”. Harris who brought such hits to us as ‘two little boys’, ‘jake the peg with his extra leg’, and more recently ‘Let me do you up the wrong’un sheila’ […]